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1) When You Graduate College, You Will Still Live Near All Your Friends Forever. Um, nope. This was the biggest lie of all. I’m not usually a pompous person, but please let the record show I had a lot of friends in college. Like, a lot. And then I graduated and POOF! There went all of my friends. All of the sudden I am living in an apartment without roommates, and I don’t have a whole army of people to run errands with, or spend money on drinks with. It’s creepy to live alone because I get scared by the weird sounds that a dishwasher makes and I have full conversations with myself that have beginnings, middles, ends, and a time for Q & A.
2) Recycle Your Friend’s Exes. I am pretty sure everyone dated just about everyone else on the show. And no matter how messy the break up or fall out, all six characters were back on that couch in Central Perk at the beginning of the next episode. This does not happen in real life. Whether you follow the Bro Code or the Chicks Before You-Know-Whats, you know that it is against the laws of friendship to date a friend’s ex-significant-other. It almost always ends with a slap on someone’s face. Break ups are awkward and weird and a close friend seeking out your ex romantically only compounds that awkward weirdness. There are 300 million people in America; can we all just agree to leave our friend’s exes alone?
3) When You Don’t Have A Roommate, Live With Your Ex. So Rachel had a baby during season eight. After much debate, it surfaces that the baby is Ross’. A few more episodes and a confusing wedding proposal from Joey later, Rachel and Ross end up living together. As roommates. Who aren’t romantically involved. But have a baby. And this is normal. What? It’s hard enough to survive a break up with someone who lives in the same universe as you. Everything reminds you of this person and you awkwardly bring that up in conversation, like, “How pretty is the sky right now? ::sigh:: My ex loved the sky.” And everyone gives you pity laughs while shooting each other looks that say, oh em gee, is she okay? And you are sure you could fill the void in your heart with cement and still feel completely empty. But not Ross and Rachel. They can live in the same 650 square feet every day and simply ignore the aches and pains and awkward feelings. How grown up of them, we think. How mature of them, we say. And then we don’t handle things that well, and think there is something wrong with us.
4) “The Rachel” Haircut Will Make You Look Like Jennifer Anniston. We all saw how quickly Jennifer Anniston blew up. She is kind of the hottest thing that has ever happened to entertainment. She might be unable to age; only time will tell. But even if her looks do fade, we will all remember the early 90s when she was an icon of beauty, style, and sex appeal. Women wanted to be her so badly, they tried to copy everything about her, even her haircut. It was so hot, it was named after the fictional character she played on TV. That is trend at it’s finest. And it is a perfect example of why we try and copy celebrities; it’s why they share their skin care secrets and their diet tricks. We want to look exactly like them. Clearly I never experienced this personally, because I was much too confident in my own good looks and charm. But I heard of girls who, say, would tear out pages from magazines of Jennifer Anniston’s “Rachel” bob haircut, and would take them into their hairstylist and say “MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THIS.” And sometimes I heard that maybe that evening would end in tears, ice cream, and marathon episodes of season five, asking out loud, “Why didn’t mine come out like that? How does she do it? What does it all mean?” Like I said, no firsthand experience here. But I heard that once, from someone, somewhere. Poor thing.
5) You Can Trust Men Who Use Pick-Up Lines. Joey’s classic “HOW YOU DOIN’?” became a household phrase pretty early on. And while the root of it all was that he was simply trying to add another notch to his bedpost, it was just so endearing to hear him say it. And Joey himself was incredibly endearing. So who wouldn’t want to end up with someone like Joey, who uses silly pick-up lines as a way to start a conversation with a lady? All of a sudden there were hundreds of Joeys, using this tactic. And all of the women were wearing Joey-goggles, blinded by the hope that the man behind the pick up line was a sweet-natured, fun-loving guy. But we all find out sooner or later; men who use pick-up lines are not to be trusted, not even ones as simple minded as Joey.