people keep telling me that marriage is a lot of work. they say that the first year is by far the hardest, that the transition is, at times, unbearably painful, and that being married to someone else is going to leave me breathless, exhausted, and sometimes even questioning if i’ve made the right decision.
as you may expect, these precautions are leaving me with a healthy dose of fear and trembling.
it’s like they want me to be waiting for ‘the other shoe to drop’, like they will quietly giggle as they watch me live in anxiety, checking every corner to find brokenness in my marriage. they scorn my naivete and constantly tell me ‘oh just you wait’ and my paranoia grows and grows. and they strip the joy out of marriage, simply because theirs has been hard and i frankly don’t know any better. they tell me that simple love lasts only through the honeymoon and then it’s all over over over.
well, on that i call bullshit.
i am an incurable optimist; i tell my students this all the time. i believe in the good and i believe in change. and i’m as stubborn as they ever come — persuasive and persistent to no end. because i never want to not believe in the good.
of course i understand it will be difficult at times. LIFE is difficult at times. but the difference between healthy love and unhealthy love is this: healthy love is hard work + simple. unhealthy love is hard work + complicated.
and every day marriage is a choice.
and just because yours is hard, does not mean mine will be.
please do not speak such lies over my marriage, over my heart, over my life. your promise of my failure only looms like a storm that is unpredictable and scary.
and i am not scared.
i am sure.
and in 39 days [but who's counting?] i will be able to test out my own stubborn sure-ness, and i am not going to do it while waiting for my own failure to choke me. day by day, the air of freedom will fill my lungs.
i can hardly wait.
How about both being true? You’re saying marriage may be hard at times, but life is hard at times. That’s probably what they’re saying. Some people just aren’t prepared for that. As soon as a challenge comes in marriage, they freak out. Because it’s different than dating. It just is.
(And I mean different as in amazing, much better and surprising, much harder – all depending on times and seasons. Maybe “richer” is a better word.) (Here’s a post that’s stuck with me about this: http://www.markbatterson.com/uncategorized/good-complications/)It’s like before we had a kid. Someone told us, “The first six months are hell.” I thought, yeah, right. They’re just cynical. Well, they were right – for us. It was a really difficult time and transition. And with so many people who had perfect babies who slept through the night immediately, it was nice to know we weren’t alone. We were in a struggle, but it was doable. People made it to the other side. That bit of “bad news” actually gave us hope.Maybe both truths need to be out there. Not to worry people, but so we know everyone has different experiences. So let people talk. Everyone will. Because every experience is different. And until we jump into it, we just won’t fully “get” what ours is like. And that’s ok. (related: http://jonsamp.com/2010/12/08/you-dont-know-and-thats-ok/)
oh, agreed fully. that’s exactly what i’m saying. maybe my first year will be hard, maybe my 13th year will be hard. i just don’t think anyone should speak things over my life before i’ve been able to live them out.
In other news, any “watch out” advice in marriage doesn’t belong 30 days before the wedding. That’s a time to enjoy the process and stress out about last minute details. Those are the same people who ask you if you’re pregnant two weeks after you’ve had the baby :)
That’s right, girlfriend. Preach! I believed that negative perspective until one of my best friends got mari
Sometimes people definitely don’t think about what they’re saying. I’ve had a lot of people in my life speak negativity over it without even realizing it. Or under the guise of trying to be helpful. It’s definitely a testing time of life. My husband and I realized pretty quickly that marriage was not what we were expecting it to be, but it’s still wonderful. And it’s still hard work. I’m finally realizing that most things in life come by hard work. The grace of God is free of course, but working hard for what you want is honorable, I think. I’ve spent most of my life so far waiting for things to fall into place and get easier. But I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen unless I set out to achieve some things in life. Same with marriage. It’s a work of love, and working hard at having a good marriage will definitely have its benefits.
You’ll be fine. That is not coming from a “dad” – it’s coming from a “husband.” My favorite line of this post is “every day marriage is a choice.” You have chosen well and (now this is the dad part) I’m confident you will continue to choose well.
I read a cuote not long ago that I find very real “a good relationship depends on what we are willing to overlook” and that goes for both sides, I trust both of you. You will make it work.
NANA
Friend — For us, marriage has held many challenges. But what I will say is this: Through all of it, through all the mess, it’s been beautiful to walk with my husband through it. Every relationship has tough moments, no matter how you slice it. And walking through it with the one you love is where the seams grow strong. Of that, you can be sure.
yes yes yes. thank you so much for this. xxo.
yes yes yes. thank you so much for this. xxo
LOVE THIS LOVE THIS LOVE THIS! McLINCOLN FO’ LIFE!
i.luh.dis :)
Bottom line…like everything else in this world…the Lord will use this (marriage) to draw you unto Himself :) He is SO good to us and marriage is such a picture of his unending love for us, His church :)
p.s. THIRTY NINE DAYS?!?!?! (37 now) oh em geeeee!!! :D Dat’s like A MONTH!!!! (almost) eeeee!!!! :)
lover.you
<3 your foreber friend