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i love college students all the time, but i think i love them the most during their seasons of growth. i swear there’s nothing richer than walking alongside people as they become a little less child and a little more adult. it’s like watching a movie in super slow-motion, or like finally being able to see what actually happens in between episodes. life happens. and life is awesome, but also life is hard sometimes.

one particularly notable season of growth comes in the weeks prior to, during, and after college graduation. i mean, does any other season feel more awkward? your life changes forever, but you have no idea what that means. there isn’t a whole lot that is expected of you, at least not like there has been thus far in your life. the world is literally your oyster and that sounds like a friggin’ nightmare.
personally, i was so overwhelmed with all the choices and options that i just turned them all down because it felt like too much work to just decide on something. i was most definitely the last of all of my friends to get her shit together, and i felt abandoned by my emotions and left completely alone. everyone looked so calm, and i was drenched in sweat. i didn’t know a lot going into that season, and i did not have a whole lot of truth-sayers speaking into my life at that time. it took a lot of scrapes and bruises as i not-so-gracefully made my way through those months. but i think i came out stronger, with a little more clarity.

i don’t know why it’s so hard to go through drastic change like that, but this is what i do know:

it’s okay not to have a plan.

it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.

it’s okay to not choose the sensible option, or the more solid paycheck.

and it’s also okay to choose both of those.

it’s okay to listen to your parents, but it’s also okay to gently remind them that you don’t agree with them.

it’s fine to take the summer off and just decompress. and it’s also fine to jump start on that MBA.

it’s okay to scream when someone asks you what you’re doing after graduation, and it’s perfectly acceptable to burst into tears any subsequent time this occurs.

you are afforded an opportunity to fully experience your emotions; please don’t suppress them just to pretend to be “normal.” there is no normal.

of course things are going to be okay and blah blah. BUT THAT’S NOT HELPFUL RIGHT NOW. sometimes life is just hard. and that’s okay.

so my advice is this:

let yourself be scared. let yourself be vulnerable. find a friend you can tell all your anxious thoughts to, and ask that friend not to tell you how things WILL be okay, but to allow things to just BE right now. he/she will understand.

write down what you’re feeling so that you can get it out onto paper, onto some tactile substance that will make it feel validated for at least one moment. and as you face each fear or conquer each task, cross it off. in sharpie.

allow yourself to experience the depths and heights of the emotions of this season, and let yourself learn how you handle change. ask for help from friends, from your people. they want to help you process all of this crazy.

forgive yourself. you’ve never done this before; you’re not supposed to be an expert at it. let yourself off the hook.

raise a glass to the person you are, and to the person you have yet to become.

It is an honor to review Shauna Niequist’s newest (and most amazing) book, Bread & Wine. You can buy it here and follow her blog over here. Her previous books, Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet, are also phenomenal reads. I highly recommend them all. :)

Because I loved this book a lot, and because I process in stages, I’ll be writing my review in parts. I’ve never been a fan of word vomit on long blog posts, and I’d like to think the suspense will keep you coming back for more. so, onward.

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The Top Five Reasons You Should Read Bread & Wine

The reasons I love Shauna are many, as I’ve followed her closely every since the release of her first book. I’ve quoted her in thank you cards, I’ve been given her books as gifts, and I’ve retweeted her maybe 42,000 times. She spoke at APU while I attended, and I was lucky enough to be included in a luncheon afterward where she sat and chatted with a dozen of us about why she wrote the book and what she wanted to communicate through it. I was starstruck for a large portion of our time in the same room, but I remember asking her what she hoped her book would mean to people. She answered, “I hope that people can read it no matter what season they are in and find something that they can relate to.” Well, my dear: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. So, to each of you who think maybe you aren’t going to relate to what she has to say because you haven’t experienced a certain whatever, you’re wrong. The universal truths she communicates will make you feel like this is a letter directly to your heart.
No matter where you are, read this book. Here are five reasons why:

1. If  you’re stuck between ten hard places. || Things often get complicated, and usually when your life unravels, it isn’t at a convenient time. It’s in between jobs, or paychecks, or kids. Or it’s after bad news from a doctor, or right before a big exam. That’s why I loved her gentle reminder to start where you are, with what you have. She talks about this concept specifically with cooking, but I find it to be true in other facets of my life. I often get stuck  thinking thoughts like, “Well I’m never going to be Amanda Freitag, so I probably just shouldn’t cook anything.” Or, “I’ll never finish a marathon, so I probably just shouldn’t run at all.” I forget that things take work, and everyone has to start somewhere. If you have so many projects you can’t  wrap your brain around all of them, then don’t; start with just one. If there’s a job you want, a master’s program you think would be perfect, or a skill you desire to learn, then figure out what the first step is and begin. And sometimes certain moments will catch you completely off guard, and you’ll have to readjust for next time. But just start where you are.

2. If you’re lacking community, or you’re in the middle of a great one. || A college professor told us once that after we left this place, community would be something we would have to fight for. I didn’t believe him because I had a zillion awesome neighbors and I planned on making sure my life recreated the TV show Friends as soon as I graduated. Well, I was wrong and he was right; you have to fight for community and you have to work hard to keep in contact with your people. It takes immense strength to be vulnerable and ask for help, it takes courage to open your door even though your house is a disaster, and it takes tenacity to celebrate birthdays and babies and new jobs. But you do it anyway, and she sums it up the ‘why’ perfectly with a story about her cooking club, and why it’s important: “That’s what this is about. This isn’t about recipes. This is about a family, a tribe, a little band of people who walk through it all together, up close and in the mess, real time and unvarnished…You don’t always kno what’s going to come of it, but you put the time in anyway, and then, after a long, long time, you realize with great clarity why you put the time in: for this night, for these hours around the table, for the complexity and richness of flavors that are so lovely and unexpected you’re still thinking about it the next day.”

3. If you’re not a huge fan of your body. || Candidly, I haven’t loved the way the mirror looks lately. I’m constantly blaming it on one thing or another, and the resentment grows like a desease. Bread & Wine has a chapter called Hungry and I read it three times with tears all over my face. At one point I had to literally put the book down because I was crying so hard I couldn’t read the words. I’m still processing what these words mean for me, but what’s important is this: Shauna didn’t write a book that contains recipes without acknowledging the important issue of hunger and body image. And she does it right away, within the first 30 pages. She reminds us that in order to extend anyone grace, we must have first tasted it ourselves, and there is no better person to practice on than yourself. She reminds us that appetites are a good thing, and the only weight that matters is the weight of shame we allow ourselves to walk around with — those are the pounds that have got to go.

4. If you live at a very high speed. || I go fast, most days. I take multi-tasking to a new level and even if it looks like I’m only doing one thing, I’m thinking about at least five more. One huge takeaway from this book for me was this phrase: Slow is cheap. She first uses it when she’s talking about scrambled eggs (which is also completely accurate, by the way!) but I am finding value in taking it to other parts of my day besides breakfast. I keep repeating it to myself; it’s like a phrase has gotten stuck in my head instead of a song. I want to live a bit slower so that I don’t go too fast and ruin the whole thing. Low heat, longer time.

5. If you’ve never cooked before, or have cooked forever. || When I heard Shauna’s new book would contain recipes, I almost died. Of course! Has this even been done before? Recipes + Non Fiction?  Each recipe has brought with it so much more meaning, because I can recall the story or the friend that she tied that particular recipe to. But what I appreciate the most is that she speaks in human terms, and explains her reasons for altering certain ingredients. Her recipes are easy to read — and I’m not a big fan of recipes to begin with. But her instructions are simple and it shows that she has learned to rely on her senses to guide her and not strictly what the rulebook says. Which is good life advice, now that I think about it.

So there you go. Five reasons to get yourself a copy of this gem.

i am sitting at a table inside of a coffee shop in azusa on alosta ave. i spent hours in this exact chair every single week – writing papers, crying with friends, listening and learning all the same. i am typing on the same laptop i used to get through my classes, to write those papers, to apply for jobs. it’s equal parts refreshing and surreal to sit here again. the college students around me look like children, but they also look so focused and driven and full of life. there seems to be a lot more around here than there used to be, and yes i am raging with jealousy that NOW they have a pinkberry and a chipotle across the street. ridiculous.

it feels foreign to walk through the mods, so i walked on the sidewalk instead. my wedding ring caught the light and i remember that there was a time where i walked this same path feeling completely alone in the world. i remember jaywalking from Bowles to Starbucks, because crosswalks are for the birds. i’ve choked my way through the 3 mile loop around campus, because running is for certain kinds of people, and i was not that people. four years seems like a lifetime ago, and the differences here are breathtaking.

and yet, the coffee tastes like it always did, and it smells like california here. not the beach, not the sunshine, not the smog — but yes, all of it combined. there are tan lines everywhere in the same places i used to have them – from rainbow sandals and razor-back shirts and very aggressive v-necks. there are backpacks and language barriers and iced thai teas and people selling oranges on the side of the freeway. the people next to me ask questions about my books and my coffee choice. people are friendly in a different way here, in a way that reminds me why i love meeting people. there are intense stories here, stories i thirst for. california is definitely weird at best, but the people here sure do know how to connect with one another on the deepest level in the simplest forms.

i’m always most acutely aware of the change i’ve experienced once i come back to a place i used to belong. there’s something substantial about walking the same streets as you did when you were a different version of yourself. and that’s where i’m at right now; allowing myself to be a different version of myself, in this place that is all too familiar. and it cripples me with joy to be in this city that i love so much. i am 100% thankful for today, and for this coffee, and this chair, and these people around me.

and that’s all, for now.

i’ve been tagged by my friend Kiersti, and i’ve been so behind on things that i’m just now getting around to it. but it’s a fun way to end my Monday, so i’m taking full advantage! i’ll edit later and tag people with my own set of questions…maybe.

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a colleague has asked me to be a panelist for a love/relationships Q&A forum tonight. so in approximately 1 hour, i will sit in front of Lord-knows-how-many-students and answer their questions about love and relationships. and it doesn’t matter how old i get or how many times i talk about my life, i still am so shocked anyone would ever take advice from me about love or relationships. 

part of my shock is from insecurity rooted in lies. part of it is from the harsh ways i critique myself. part of it is from the way i always seem to forget how far i’ve come. but still, i sit here just 58 minutes away from yet another opportunity i do not deserve; to help spare someone the trouble i put myself through. and i keep finding my thoughts drift toward all the hard questions i hope no one answers. because that’s what shame does to us; it makes us want to hide in an oversized sleeping bag that zips all the way over our head. shame also begets more secrets, more things we don’t have to tell anyone. and it causes us to run away from the people and things that bring us life, that make us whole, that keep us breathing. shame is suffocating, it is toxic. and while i’m learning to be someone who does not speak in absolutes, i can say this with complete confidence: i never want to live in shame again. 

i can only imagine what would be different if someone had let me ask questions. if they had given me the opportunity to look into their shame and see that i didn’t want a part of that…i can barely let my mind go there.

so you know what? i hope they ask the hard questions.

i hope someone finds strength enough to voice their shame, to get it out in the open and let it breathe for a second.

i hope they find a way to ask what they’re soul is screaming at them.

and i hope i have an answer.