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first love. [what a girl needs to hear]

April 17, 2012 in dating, jesus, stories with 4 Comments

this is a sweet, sweet post by a lovely girl named Jessica who I had the pleasure of watching grow up. I hardly edited a word, because the innocence and honesty are crucial…and we could all learn from them. <3
[about the author] My name is Jessica. I was born in New Iberia, Louisiana. I have lived in three different states (Louisiana, Colorado, and Florida), each place God has used to mold me. God has been with me through so many things, I do not know who I would be without Him… It’s a life I can’t even picture. I am a senior at Louisiana State University (graduate in December! woot woot!), studying to be an Elementary school teacher. I can’t wait to have my own classroom. I’m not sure where I will teach yet, but can’t wait for whatever adventure God has in store for me.

~~~
I grew up in a church home. I know that’s a line many of us have heard. My story’s most likely the same as many peoples’ in this world. While I am not proud of all the decisions I have made, I know that God allowed me to go through certain things so I could realize Him and His grace more fully now.

I was born in a  little town in Louisiana. When I was seven my family moved to Colorado. All my life I remember my dad telling me that I was a Princess; an heiress to the Kingdom of God. Someone with power only through Christ. My dad was a pastor and never let a day go by where he did not share these things with me. To this day I still wonder how, with this love and the love God showed me through life, I could have made some of the decisions I made. Thankfully God is amazing and I will never understand His love and forgiveness.
My middle school years were a foundation building time. I had an amazing group of girls that God blessed me with. We would pray together, seek God together, go to school and live life together. I was firm in my beliefs, I knew my worth, I was strong… or so I thought. God threw a curve ball, like He often does. I should have been used to moving by now, meeting new people and becoming accustomed to things (by now I had already been to seven different schools) but what came the summer before my ninth grade year I was not entirely prepared for. I was settled in my life, and suddenly coming home to a “For Sale” sign in the yard. This time, we were moving to South Florida. A new state, a new school, and a new journey.
High school years are hard for everyone. I of course experienced a culture shock. This area of the world was much different then the places I had lived. And I’m not just talking about the palm trees. There’s always that awkward first day of school. I was a Freshman, walking in two weeks after school had started. I walked in with jeans, a t-shirt, a backpack and sneakers (apparently this was not a cool way to dress.. first thing to go was the backpack). I began making a few friends, however none were the same as my group back in Colorado. I had grown accustomed to sharing everything about God with my friends back then; however soon found out that not everyone wants to talk about those things. I lost many friends because of my openness. As the years in high school went on I wanted more and more to fit in. I found a group of people that would accept me, the only thing was that they slowly began to make it easier for me to make the wrong decisions.
This was the beginning of a slow drift. While I wasn’t a “party girl”, I often ended up in that atmosphere, pretending to like the things going on around me (and toward the end convincing myself it was all pleasurable). I had my first boyfriend when I was 17, he did not love Jesus. God told me to break up with him, and I did eventually; however that attention seemed so nice at the time that I began turning to other guys for it. I would find myself at a party, with a boy flirting, thinking he doesn’t want anything more, and of course a majority of them did. Time and time again I was left broken, wondering what I was doing wrong, why all of these boys seemed to only want me for certain things, and not realizing God was in the background calling me to turn back to my first love. 
Finally, I could take no more. I had been through the same thing over and over with this life. I would go where my “friends” were. Somehow a guy would start talking to me, soon I would find myself physically involved with him, telling him all the while that I couldn’t actually do anything because I was saving myself for marriage and yet getting as close to anything as I could. He would say “I really respect that” and then try to push my limits. I kept saying they aren’t all like that. But what I had forgotten was the one thing that I needed.
That attention I was getting was entirely fleeting. God, my first love, my amazing best friend, was constantly putting songs in my head (literally, in the middle of a party I would hear worship songs, like God was calling to me in the midst of it all), trying to make me come back to Him. I had forgotten the words that my dad used to tell me. “You are a Princess, an Heiress to God’s Kingdom, and you deserve a man that will treat you that way”. I had replaced it for a cheaper version of what God wanted for me just to get the attention I craved. I applied to LSU to get away from the atmosphere, I felt God calling me out of it. When I came here God brought me to a group of men and women who fiercely loved the Lord. They accepted me in all my brokenness and reminded me constantly the way men and women were meant to treat each other. The world has a much different way of looking at relationships (friends, between a man and woman, sons and daughters… every relationship). I had been caught up in it, but God was reminding me of the world He had in mind for us.
One of the biggest reminders was because of swing dancing. I know weird right? We would have random nights where all of us would get together and swing dance. It was amazing. None of the guys in that room wanted to do anything but twist me around in circles, and teach me knew dance moves! God reminded me of the purity He had given me (my purity is not my own). He is the one that, even though I’m torn… dirty… broken… wants to twist me around in circles. He wants me to come back into His arms and remember the romance He has with me. There’s a moment, when you have to trust your dance partner. When you trust that if they bring you in for a dip they won’t drop you. God used those moments to remind me that He would not drop me, and if I only trusted Him in this dance, I would have the most amazing time of my life.
For a while it was hard to grasp. Why would God, knowing full well the decisions I had made.. even after I was His child, be calling to me again? How could he forgive me when I had slowly given away things that He asked me to guard (mainly my heart). Why would He want me again? I struggled with forgiving myself, with realizing that I had made mistakes and just moving on. It seemed easier to forgive everyone else, but I was unforgivable. I was told by a friend that I was being prideful. How could I tell God that I was unforgivable. He died on the cross! Who was I to say where His power ended. One thing was certain, He still wanted me, wants me, for some unknown reason. I began praying and am still praying earnestly for focus. Those years I spent trying to fit in cost me years of getting closer to Him. But it’s because of those years I am who I am, and I can write this story right now. God does things for His glory, He raises us up, tells us to leave the burial clothes behind, and gives us new clothes. The only purity I have is His, the only love I have is His, the only joy and all my strength comes from Him. When I live for Him, when I make decisions based on pleasing Him, my life is full. My past does not matter because He says it does not.
I want to encourage anyone who seems stuck in trying to please people. It’s still a struggle for me, just in different ways. God says we are not here to please men, but to please Him. High school can be tough, but stay strong because even if it seems weird to others to be bold for Christ, believe me the alternative is not as pleasing as it sounds. I let the world take away my boldness, and I am still working with God to have that strength again. The fearlessness I had at the beginning of high school to share the Word was gone for a while, and only because God has such an amazing love can I begin to share it again. He wants a full life for all of His children. I now have a boyfriend who respects me. He respects me in every aspect. He loves Jesus and pushes me to search for Him. The relationships I had with guys before can’t even compare to one where God is the centerpiece. Pleasing yourself can leave you empty and alone, but God is here to remind you that He has set you free from pleasing yourself and others. My boyfriend and I are now constantly praying for God’s will in ours and each others lives. It is a blessing to know that there are Godly men out there. Don’t be discouraged, there are so many out there. Don’t settle for something or someone because it’s there and you haven’t experienced it yet. If you ever feel lonely remember that God is your first love and He wants to know you so deeply. If I would have continued to have my focus on Him during those hard times I can only imagine where my life would be right now. I realized after 2 and a half years that I wanted my focus on Him.
Find a group of girls that you can live life with. Don’t let them go, continually pray and seek God with them (or if you’re a guy I would encourage you to find a group of guys). Continually read scripture (not just because you should but because God can say so much through it). Ask for wisdom when sharing your faith with others. Don’t just give it away, ask God to make clear opportunities where He can shine through you. Guard your heart, but don’t be afraid to love. Try to remind yourself the type of attention that is good and what is fleeting. The feeling of a boy telling you you’re pretty only lasts a couple hours, but the feeling of God telling you how much He cares for you and others makes a lasting impression. Don’t be afraid to fail, if you fail don’t be scared to call on God to help you. Don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Look at them, pray God gives you the strength to overcome them, forgive yourself, and refocus. It takes time, but it’s worth it. And always remember, there are other people who have most likely been through something close to what you are going through. Remember God gave us our brother’s and sister’s in Christ so that we can not only share the fun things in life, but so that we can help each other out of mud. Don’t try to get over it by yourself, God gave us community for a reason.

hindsight is bliss [what a girl needs to hear]

March 29, 2012 in dating, jesus, lessons learned with 2 Comments

today’s sweet post is a letter from Olivia. don’t we all wish we could read letters from our future selves at least once or twice? this is a precious, precious post. i hope it blesses you like it did me!  show Olivia some love. <3
~~~
[about the author] Olivia Erickson is a highschool-college hybrid who has extreme passion for many things, including mentoring junior high girls and good coffee. She writes, tweets, and tells visual stories. Someday, she will travel the country in a vintage trailer with a pet hedgehog in tow, in an attempt to find untold stories – but for now, she’s just trying to stay warm and sane during long Minnesotan winters.
~~~

Dear Little Liv,
You sat there with your feet dangling out your open window on a warm May night and you cried to yourself, wishing for a man to throw pebbles and sweep you off your feet. You were almost twelve. I wish that the one night could have been the only night you cried in your loneliness, but it wasn’t. There will be many more nights to come.
There will be nights of loneliness – of deep heart aches and longings for boys to notice you and for life just to hurry up so you can find a man. There will be nights of regret – of giving your heart slowly, over time to boys where you realize that things are suddenly complicated and you just lost a friend. There will be nights of deep pondering – of questioning intentions and feelings when you’re not sure if you like the attention or are terrified of it. There will be many tears, many racing thoughts, and many desperate prayers.
It sounds daunting, but there are also brilliant days ahead. There will be days of comfort – of realizing that the men in your life are a blessing. There will be days of confidence – of knowing that you did the right thing in a friendship with a boy and seeing the positive results. There will be days of laughter – of getting to be the little sister to the boys around and having their respect. There will be many brilliant days that will in time make up for the tearful nights.
At some point, you will sit with friends as they tell you with regret in their eyes their stories of boys that broke their hearts and you will be so glad that a relationship never formed with that boy that you were swooning over. At some point, you will hear shallow girls complain about how there are no good guys and you will be so thankful that you’ve been the type of girl that makes friend easily with really fantastic guys, even if that means not dating any of them. At some point, you will see not being allowed to date as the biggest blessing of your teen years.
It’s going to come. It’s going to be fulfilling. It’s going to blow you away. It’s going to be worth it. I promise you.
I have hindsight and what a marvelous thing it is! You wont be perfect and life wont be perfect. You are going to think that you are awful and just made the hugest mistake of your life, but in the end, you’re going to come out of junior high and the first three years of high school with very little boy baggage. There will be two amazing young men who will cause you to get angry because they will each accidentally steal a bit of your heart at the wrong time, but God heals that in the end and you’ll learn a plethora of lessons.
So hang in there. It’s only the beginning. Every single tear that you shed will be turned to gold and redeemed.
You will be strong. You will be loved. You will be satisfied.

promises to cling to. [what a girl needs to hear]

March 25, 2012 in bible verses, dating, jesus, lessons learned, stories with 1 Comment

today’s post comes from Whitney, and i have no words — it is simply beautiful. read it slowly, like a nap.
[about the author] “hi. my name’s whitney and i’m just an ordinary girl from the south. this is a little glimpse into what i’m learning while living life here in a broken world. life is messy, but i’m starting to see the beauty and purpose of the mess.”
whitney’s blog: www.livinginthemess.blogspot.com

whitney’s twitter: www.twitter.com/whitneyeburger
~~~
To a hurting little girl, screaming to be heard:

For all of those times you’ve cried yourself to sleep, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not reminding you that your Father’s love runs deeper and holds more security than any earthly kind of love. 

The love of a mother who loves alcohol more than you. She can help it- but it has a stronghold on her life that Satan gets much joy from. He also gets much joy from you, sweet girl, thinking that you aren’t valued- not even by your own mother. These are all lies. She DOES love you; unfortunately it is tainted by the alcohol, but the love IS there.

The love of a father whose words are empty. You are important, desired, and valued. No matter how often he will give you empty promises- don’t let the desire to be cared for eat away your sweet spirit inside. God, the Father, cares for you deeply. He has dreams for you. He loves to hear you laugh. He likes to see you dance in your recitals. He gets joy in hearing your stories at night. When you feel sick, He brings comfort and healing- opposed to laughing at you when you can’t control your upset stomach. I know that its painful to hear stories and see other little girls get wrapped up in their daddy’s arms- that you desire so badly to have a man fight for you. To protect you. To build you up. To tell you that you’re beautiful. In the midst of the hurt and pain of being let down- You’ve been missing the whispers of the only Father’s voice who can actually bring life to these desires.

The love of boys who have yet to become men. In Satan’s attempt to tell you that your own family doesn’t really love you… that other things are more important, you’ve sought the love and approval of anyone that might begin to fill that void. Forgetting to look up, you looked to the boys around you- desiring to be heard and cared for. These boys didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you; I think deep down they did care about you the best way they knew how. Unfortunately, even though they knew how to throw out the right phrases and comments leading you to believe they were striving to be Godly young men, Satan knew what could satisfy them more than a broken little girl who needed more than they could give. Satan won that fight one too many times. But listen carefully sweet sister, you had a choice to stand for more. To know your value and expect nothing less than a God fearing man who would win your heart and lead you to the throne. Instead, you somehow enjoyed this little game of needing these boys to need you- all for the wrong reasons. This is a path of destruction and God has more for you than this. So, this is when I step in and tell you- wipe your tears away, suck it up, and get back in there. This time, don’t be deceived by boys pretending to be men. You will know a man of God, not by his words but by his fruit and the words spoken of him by those in his life. God, your Father, has so much more in store for you than what you think you deserve. Allow Him to lead you there.

These people who are called your “family” by the world’s definition of family do NOT define who you will become. You have a huge calling on your life. To be something far greater than anything that you’ve ever been told you’ll become- you are a daughter of the one true God. You will carry his name to many other misinformed girls just like yourself. Make sure to never forget where you’ve come from, share it without shame- God is using it to transform others. To give them hope that they too, have hope in a much greater calling on their lives. That Jesus is so much sweeter than any earthly kind of love. That his blood puts all of that hurt you’ve been through into perspective- it’s ultimately not about you. Never ever forget the God you serve, and why you have the story that you do. It’s about the goodness of a savior who will always come through for his children, in his perfect time. 

I know there are still many more years of hurt and pain ahead of you, and believe me, it sucks. Your tender little heart can’t always handle it- but please please don’t let the bitterness take away your compassion and love for others. Chin up. You are a fighter like no other person I know. And if I can give you any glimpse of hope at all, it’s this: it’s so sweet to be right here standing in the very place that the Lord has carried me to. A place of peace. A place of understanding. It doesn’t all make sense why things went the way they did, but what does make sense is how God is going to use it for our future. It’s for His name’s sake.

Always remember to reflect Christ in the best way you know how, it’s the only thing that gets you through some of the worst years of your life so far.

Praying always, little one.

“Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” -Psalm 16

to the one who proved that you aren’t all the same.

February 14, 2012 in creative fiction, dating, jesus, lessons learned, my story with 12 Comments

It’s silly to me that the only words I want to say to you are “Thank you” because it is essentially me thanking you for your entire existence, something you are not necessarily responsible for. I want to thank you for your soul, your heart, your joy – the things which you did not create.

Truth be told, Bitter and Angst looked pretty good on me. I was really funny as an always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride kind of girl. The loneliness helped me create good music, good writing, and good art. Heartbreak gives way to so many words, and blank pages didn’t stand a chance against me. Yet I think I always knew, deep down, that you would show up somewhere.

But I followed in the footsteps of my foremothers, the scorned women who came before me, and I dismissed your entire gender. After what felt like the millionth break-up, I wrote one simple verse and then stopped writing for months:

“The first I lost to another love, the second is now a bust.
And every one after has proven still that none deserve my trust.”

And then I was done. I was done writing. I put the pen down and closed the journals. I was done listening to my heart because it had bad hearing, apparently. Every man was just a boy walking around in grown-up clothing, each with the same desire: to get in, get out, and get on with his life.

 

And then you bought me flowers.

And you waited three dates to kiss me.

And you complimented me with phrases like “life-giving” and “a treasure to be cherished” instead of objectifying comments about my physical appearance or capabilities.

And you have gently handed me your secrets and trusted me not to break the heart that comes with them.

I have been proven wrong. And I normally hate being proven wrong.

 

It’s not that I needed to believe in men again – I don’t think that’s the point. The point is that I believe in my own worth again. Your love has shown me my own worth.

I can’t help but giggle when I hear other people talking about love now. They have no clue what they are talking about and I really feel bad for them! There’s no way on earth anyone else feels what we do; it is perfect and imperfect, at the same time. I feel like we are the only ones to have ever been in love like this.

 

I love the way you love me because not only does it prove that not all men are evil, it also proves that good is all around.

I love the way you love me because it makes me feel brave, without abandoning my own sense of strength.

I love the way you love me because it makes me feel strong, without ever making me question my own resilience.

I love the way you love me because it shows me what love actually is, without dismissing my own ability to love.

I love the way you love me because it shows me how Jesus loves me, without distracting me from Him.

And now, once again, I have so much to write about…

 

Thank you for the chance to be proven wrong. I’ve never felt more alive.

 

Sincerely,

Me

how to [break] a girl.

December 10, 2011 in 20-something troubles, dating, lessons learned, my story, sex with 0 Comments

i’ve been in a “pull from the archives” mood recently, so please forgive the angst-y tone. i guess i used to be sad sometimes? :) i thank God for my brokenness, because it toiled the dirt long enough to ready my heart for all that He had planned on planting in me.

~~~

Meet a sweet girl, age 15. No more, no less. Any younger and she isn’t quite independent enough. Any older and you risk being the second one to damage her instead of the first. It is important to be the first. You will be the cruelest, your words will echo in her heart the longest, and your wound will sting the most. This is the only time love will feel like this. And this is the only time love will ever hurt this badly.

Write her a note. No, write her endless notes. Every other day, while in English class, craft the perfect letter on college-ruled notebook paper. Tell her you’ve been “thinking about you, babe!” and that you can’t wait to come to her soccer game.

Go to her soccer games – almost all of them. Afterward, make a joke about wanting to come say hi to her at “halftime”, pretending to be dumb and not know the game rules. Find out there really is a halftime in soccer. Give her “the look” when she laughs at your ignorance. Reel her in with that look.

When you ask her to be your girlfriend, be nervous. Nervous in the hand-sweat kind of way. Do it after the movie you go see on Friday night. No, screw waiting. Do it before the movie. And then hold her hand the entire way to the theatre. Worry about the sweat on your hands. Savor how small her fingers feel between yours. When she tells you that your hand is the first to hold hers, tell her you wouldn’t have it any other way. Tell her it’s the first AND the last. Promise her that.

Wait two months to kiss her. In high school, this is an appropriate amount of time. In later years, you will find out this is a lifetime. When you do kiss her, ask politely. She will later come to hate any boy who has to ask permission to put his lips on hers. But ask, and wait until she nods. And then put your hand on her face and kiss her like you’ve never meant anything more in your life.

After five more months, tell her you love her beneath a big tree at the park by your house. A month later, carve your initials in that tree and make her believe that this is symbolic of your long-lasting love for her. On your one-year anniversary, take her to a seafood restaurant, even though you hate seafood. Dress up, take pictures, act like a blubbering idiot, wonder how long until you stop acting like a blubbering idiot around her.

Month after month, let your feelings grow. Let your hormonally charged, didn’t-know-any-better feelings grow so deep you can’t function without her in the room. Act on these feelings all the time, letting impulse control the puppet-strings tied to your hands and feet. Say big things to her, so that she hears them. Throw caution to the wind. Make big promises. And when you have no words, let your body do the talking. Walk hand in hand down the road of innocence lost, and have no regrets. Mean it every time you touch her. Promise her forever.

Spend years doing life together. Finish high school and start college with the world at your fingertips. Embrace the feeling that nothing else in the world matters except this moment, this choice, and this girl. Convince her that you’ll grow old together, and reassure her that you are soul mates.

After those years, stop meaning it – any of it. Let the nightly routine become just that: a routine. Forget to tell her you love her, become indifferent about returning her calls. Tune her out when she says she feels like you are distancing yourself. When she cries, feel nothing. Let your eyes ice over. Tell her you think you two should take a step back in the physical part of your relationship because you need to focus on the important things like morals, and finding yourself. But still call her when you’re having a lonely night. Go farther than your newly set boundaries. Immediately after, convince her that it’s her fault, and don’t let her stay the night. Rinse and repeat this week after week. Begin to like the way she looks at you like a puppy that hasn’t been fed. Enjoy this newfound control, and wonder why you enjoy it. Love watching her beg to while you feel nothing, absolutely nothing, on the inside. Begin to wonder if you’re rotting away. Decide you don’t care.

Meet Someone New through mutual friends. Meet her with an open heart and a steady hand. Notice that she is a touch prettier, and fairly skinnier. As you get to know Someone New with no hesitation, learn that she is less messy than your girlfriend of four years. Listen to her stories closely, as interested boys always listen to pretty girls, and realize that she has a lot of morals, and a lot of strength. Find yourself thinking about her during the day. Catch yourself wanting to call her, waiting to hear from her.

Begin to pursue Someone New. Write her love songs, drive 19 hours to her house in another state, send her flowers. Tell her you’ve never felt this way before. About anyone. Even your girlfriend. Oh crap, your girlfriend. Spend every other night with her. Ignore your girlfriend when she asks what’s going on between you and Someone New. Is she the boss of you now? Who does she think she is, asking so much personal information? Doesn’t she know you’re entitled to your privacy?

Finally kiss Someone New. Travel into the world of infidelity. It is scary, it is thrilling. It is fun to have two girls at your beck and call. Shuffle them back and forth daily, and ignore the fact that you are exhausted. Spend your days falling in love with Someone New, and your nights scratching the itch that every man deserves to have scratched. Lie, lie, lie. Deflect, deflect, deflect. Control, control, control.

When your girlfriend discovers you with Someone New, take it like a man. Let all scrutiny roll off your back, and creatively convince her that this was her fault. Do not, under any circumstance, apologize. Act shrill, brassy, harsh. Do not back down. Make her feel stupid. Make her feel small.

When she tells you that she will forgive all of this if you just take her back, let down your guard, just for a moment. Remember the way her hair smells, and the way her skin on your favorite part of her stomach feels. Hear her laugh, even though she is currently crying. Remember, just for a moment, the tree – and all that it stood for. When she begs you to pick her, to choose her, to love her, do not budge. Do not make any sudden movements, for they might trick you into staying. Tell her that she is a mistake; that with her, you will continue to mess up. But with Someone New, you can start over, start fresh; you can be better with Someone New.

Pick Someone New.  Choose the life less risky, pick the predictable. Skip off into a world of new love and zero mistakes. Never answer any questions about why. Embrace asshole-type tendencies. Regret nothing. Be callous and dry, soulless and cruel.

If you do all of this successfully, then congratulations; you have broken her.

dear heartbreak [a thank you.]

November 28, 2011 in 20-something troubles, dating, lessons learned, my story with 4 Comments

In light of this week’s American tradition, I have been reflecting on the things I am thankful for. There are the obvious: my job, my family, my friends, my great hair. But some days I like to think outside of the box, and be thankful for those blessings-in-disguise that sneak up on me. Today is one of those days, and I am oh-so-thankful. -Originally published on The Well Written Woman.

 

~~~

Dear Heartbreak,

I have to admit; I never really expected you. Are you always so abrupt? You kind of took the wind out of me. Like that time I was eight and I begged my dad to let me go down the big metal slide at the park, only to fall on my face and stop breathing for two full minutes. Yeah, abrupt like that.

The first time I met you, I thought I was literally going to die. You have this ridiculous ability to scrape away at my soul with what feels like a sheath knife, without even being something physical I can grasp onto. I wish I could grasp onto you and choke the life out of you. Instead, you kind of did that to me. I cried in new ways and I spoke in new terms. I don’t know when I stopped functioning normally, but I know it was sometime during our first encounter. You took part of me that I’m not sure I will ever get back. People call you difficult. It was not difficult to meet you; it was unbearable.

The subsequent times we were able to meet always surprised me. Maybe I’m naïve, but I never knew you were coming to pay me a visit and then BAM! There we were, curled up on the couch watching reruns of When Harry Met Sally all over again. You disguised your visits as coffee dates or midnight walks. You weave yourself in and out of clichés and horrible looking tears. You were there when my friends let me down, or when my family went through hardships. You always show up. You’re faithful like that.

The only thing worse than your presence is your absence. You walk away, and you leave this void of “what am I going to do now?”

I remember meeting you at an airport in the middle of nowhere. As I sat in a chair waiting for my flight, I wept into a napkin and repeatedly asked anyone who was listening, “What am I going to do now?” Then a girl stepped off the terminal and was carrying a bag that had a quote on it, and I felt like someone was talking to me. It said “Bloom where you are planted.”

I used to scream at you and wish you dead. But today as I survey your presence in and out of my life over the last several years, the only phrase that comes to mind is this: Thank you.

Thank you for your lessons; they have shaped my character. Thank you for your pain; it reminds me I am alive. Thank you for your stories; I have used them to touch the lives of countless other women you interact with. And thank you for teaching me that I can survive you; I have a bright future ahead of me. So, for now, we must part ways. I don’t want to see you again ever, though I know that is inevitable. But next time I will be stronger, next time I will be more hopeful. Next time, I plan on kicking your ass.

Sincerely,

Rachel

diagnosis: [single.]

November 8, 2011 in 20-something troubles, dating, lessons learned, my story with 8 Comments

this is one from a loooooong time ago. can i just say it is very refreshing to read back and see how i used to feel, and to see how God earnestly pursued me and then provided for me? He gives and He takes away, and both are blessings.

note: i am not suddenly single. still madly in love with my super great boyfriend. fear not. 

xxo, rachel

~~~

The thing about being single is that sometimes, it feels like a disease.

Like you stepped in a puddle of bacteria-filled water and now you have this rash that has spread from your ankle to your hip and everyone is able to see that there’s something seriously wrong with you. You scratch in a subtle way and make sure to keep your mind off of it, but it’s still there; it’s not going away.

And sometimes it feels as if it’s not only this topical disease that is itchy and raw and unbelievable obvious, but it’s also untreatable. Facial expressions darken in pity once the singleness is revealed, like it’s a life sentence. So we mask it like it’s really not a big deal at all, just something tiny and probably temporary.

We cover it up with ointments and clothing and disguise it as something that doesn’t bother us, when actually it is incredibly painful, all of the time.

And it feels like it will never go away.

And oh, the loneliness. It aches in a deep place in your ribcage; a pain that you cannot soothe. And is it just me, or does anyone else feel like everyone around you is getting engaged? “Ring By Spring” is a real, vicious, neck-breaking hurricane. And it makes that pain even more deep.

Being single can ache in the worst kind of lonely, because you can be with hundreds of friends and still feel completely alone.

For the longest time I was afraid that I was broken. I thought that I had screwed up too much to ever be loved, and I feared that I would never find anyone who could love me. I felt like I was paying for all of my past mistakes. As if my struggles with selfishness and idolatry and sexuality had now tarnished my soul and deemed me unworthy of the joys of being in love.

I equated relationship with reward. Thus, I felt that singleness was a punishment.

Like being a sinner made me unfit for what the Gospel means: abundant life.

To all my single ladies dancing around in black leotards, listen up: being single is not a punishment.

And being a sinner makes you completely fit for the Gospel. And “abundant life” does not mean, “having a boyfriend.”

Being single means I strive to make much of Jesus in every thought of my heart, through every word on my tongue, and with every step of my path.

And when I finally get to taste the sparkly waters of marriage, it will still mean that I strive to make much of Jesus with every thought of my heart, through every word on my tongue, and with every step of my path. I’ll have someone else around to do it with, yes. But my objective remains: to let Jesus reign in every moment.

You see, our task never changes, single or dating or engaged or married.

It’s hard to live obediently right now, as a single woman who sins far too often and believes far too many lies. I am by human nature, a sinner. I struggle daily to fight against the desires of my flesh, and to live for Christ rather than myself.

I can’t imagine how much harder that fight will be once I am a sinner living with another sinner.

But whatever the season, I live to walk in obedience with a God who created everything and knows how it all works. A God who loves me, as I am. Whether I have a plus one or not, He absolutely adores me.

And there is absolutely nothing to fear when you are loved by the Creator of all.

“Perfect love casts out fear.” [1 John 4:18]

I misread that once. I thought it said that when I finally found my Say Anything kind of love, I wouldn’t be afraid anymore.

But that’s not it at all.

There is only One who will every love me perfectly; the only One who is faithful all of the time. And once I trust in that love, all my fear is gone. The deepest fight of my every day single life is to cling to this promise: His love casts out all of my fears.

My fears about not being good enough, about not ever finding a man to love me, about being too broken for what the gospel means: He takes those fears and tells them to shove it, and I get to fall into the pillows of grace.

So yeah, maybe it’s hard to keep trudging along as a fifth wheel, and it gets redundant not having an excuse to straighten my hair or skip my way to class. But I am not afraid. And when the loneliness sets in and my mind and heart are throwing lies back and forth to each other, I am reminded that being so close to pain is a sign that I have come so close to Jesus that He could literally kiss me. And I dare not let the fear seep in too deeply, lest I forget the joys of His perfect love.

 

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