Archive - December, 2011

becoming a [goodbye] girl.

December 30, 2011 in 20-something troubles, bible verses, jesus, lessons learned, stories with 7 Comments

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted…” [Psalm 25:16]

~~~

I used to be a “nice to meet you!” girl. A “let’s get coffee!” and “be there in five minutes!” kind of woman. My life was largely about firm handshakes, long conversations over cups of warm coffee, and share-everything-all-the-time relationships. I always had a friend to talk to, to laugh with, to simply just be with.

I discovered parts of God’s personality through my friends. His humor and his joy, his compassion and excitement, his depth and his honesty. I discovered the tangible heights of his availability – it was easy to find someone I could eat lunch with or go for a walk with. I couldn’t get enough of friendship; something insatiable within me cried out for companionship and at my small private school, I was met with exactly that. When I felt lonely, I could send a text message or dial a phone number and all of a sudden I wasn’t alone anymore. Solitude was never an obstacle; I was surrounded. I was constantly meeting new people and seeking out new relationships. A room of strangers equaled a room full of best friends I hadn’t met yet. Handshake after handshake, coffee after coffee, I fed the extrovert within me.

When God asked me to go on an adventure to a state where I knew no one, I didn’t really realize how deserted I would feel there. So I said goodbye to my friends and my comfort, and to the “nice to meet you” chapter of my life.

At first I was under the spell of this new beginning and fresh start. I ate up every single moment. But the dust has settled and the music has slowed, and I miss those deep conversations over coffee and those midnight drives to the beach. I miss my friends. And I don’t want new friends; I want my friends.

I think I am in a “goodbye” stage of my life now. I talk to friends on the phone who live in other states, and I say goodbye. I eat lunch with friends when I am in town for a visit, and then I say goodbye. I spend hours on Skype with friends all over the world, and then I say goodbye.

I’m saying goodbye a lot these days.

This extroverted flesh of mine wants to feel alone.

The people-person within me wants to run back to those friendships, that comfort, those midnight drives.

The easily-lonely girl that I am constantly reaches for the phone, thinking, “Who can I call? Who can I talk to? Who can fill this loneliness?”

And a still, strong voice says, “Me. No one else but Me.”

 

God calls us to community, yes. But God first calls us to himself.

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.” [Jeremiah 29:12-14]

God longs to see us expressing love to each other through intimacy and companionship. But God first calls us to intimacy and companionship with him.

“This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” [John 17:3]

 

I am (slowly) learning how to put down the phone, turn off Netflix, and dive right in to companionship with Jesus. Can I be honest with you? I am awful at it sometimes. I am used to the distraction of people – I am gregarious through and through. But for now, God has removed those from my life.

I have said goodbye to my friends, for now. I choose to say goodbye to distractions and goodbye to noises.

He gives, and he takes away. And both are a blessing.


my opinion [and of course i have one] on #live31

December 15, 2011 in bible verses, jesus, stories with 0 Comments

At first I thought it was going to be like a “31 days in a month = 31 days to eat healthy” kind of thing. But when I clicked – and clicked and clicked and clicked, as Twitter goes sometimes – learned that it was a little more convoluted than a simple diet campaign.

I’ve learned over the years that in order to voice an opinion in a public venue, you also need to have enough knowledge to back it up. So I read approximately 1,400 pages from other #Live31 commentators. I’ve read their Facebook page, their Twitter feed, and seen their YouTube video on their website. I’ve read the disagree-ers, the supporters, and the all-around-rude-talkers. And now, I think I can say that I officially have an opinion.

 I don’t think I like this movement. I don’t think I like it one bit.

I tried. I promise I tried. Because when I look in the mirror, I don’t see a Victoria’s Secret fashion model. I don’t have the legs or the boobs or the ability to walk in high heels while feathers block my view. I definitely don’t have the tall thing going for me, and the only time I like posing for pictures is when I know it’s going to end up on Instagram. So heck no techno to being a Victoria’s Secret model. But I do like to read Proverbs 31, and I like to believe that I can “laugh at the days to come,” or “fear the Lord.” So yes, I’d rather be this virtuous woman. She sounds fantastic.

But sometimes, I don’t measure up to those things. And I have to believe God still loves silly little me. Because if I don’t look like a VS model, the world will reject me. And now, if I don’t measure up to this passage, men will reject me too? Who decided that the purpose of being a virtuous woman was to gain a man? Who determines our worth to be found in our relationships status? I used to believe relationship equated reward, and I was bruised deeply by that ugly lie.

The words in Proverbs 31 bring it right back down to a concept of feminism known as the “male gaze.” This is shown in the end of verse 30 – “…but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” The whole thing is told by (most scholars believe) Solomon – a man! He has described a fictitious woman who men are to “praise”, and this movement is now setting that description as the only woman worth settling for. The one praised by man!  This is not an attack on men; they cannot help their frame of reference any more than a woman can. We are all wired certain ways and there’s little that can be done to switch that. But should these men from Baylor be telling women nation-wide what kind of woman they should be and why?

It would be hard to say what hasn’t already been said. I agree with those who beckon the question of exclusion – what would a Victoria’s Secret model, upon her arrival to this Facebook page, be led to believe about Jesus, Christianity, or the Church after reading? You have compared her to a passage in Scripture that describes an “ideal woman” and you have called her the antonym. A woman who fights the lie that she is not good enough would be crushed. A woman surrounded by comparison and loneliness would be brokenhearted. Any campaign – whether Christian or not – should never idolize one woman at the expense of another.

I also agree with those who argue that the Proverbs 31 woman, while a desirable woman, is not the ideal. She is not a goal to be attained, nor a model by which we should measure ourselves. Christ is the model. Christ is the only model. And we are only able to strive after His model because of the Grace that sanctifies us every single day and makes us more and more like Himself. And the crazy thing is, we aren’t the ones at work within ourselves; He is. And He is nowhere near through with us yet.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is that if we focus on this slogan-ized rendition of our faith, I think we have missed the Story. If we simplify the Christian female expectation in this way, we are so far off from the point of the Gospel that it is devastating.

The point is that we all fall short. Neither woman – the VS model or the Proverbs 31 woman – is undeserving or unfit for the gospel that Jesus came and preached. Both women fall short. Both women need Grace. Both women deserve Love, in light of the cross. I don’t think this is lost on the men from Baylor; I just don’t see it on their page.

Any story told outside of the Grace of God is not a story that depicts the bigger Story. And our lives are meant to depict the bigger Story, making much of Jesus at any cost.

 

I’d love to know your thoughts, your questions. I’m not as brilliant as most of my blogging peers who are writing on this subject, but I am definitely just as interested.

a letter, a promise, [a gift.]

December 14, 2011 in jesus with 0 Comments

to my little one.

i’m glad you’re here; i miss you, too. i haven’t gone anywhere. i haven’t stopped singing over you. there is a lot of noise in your life, sweet child. i am here to help you turn down the volume, if you only just come and ask.

i long for your heart and your innocent whispers. i delight in your secrets and in the words of your soul, spelled out in vulnerability. your authenticity is what i desire to see; your genuine spirit makes me glad. no, my sweet girl; there is nothing you can do to lose my love. it is constant, it is real. i am the great I AM. though the seasons of your life vary and the emotions of your mind and heart waiver, i never change.

i have plans for this whole place, my dear. i want you to taste the waters of redemption, i want you to breathe in the winds of reclamation that i am covering everything with. there is hope. it is buried so very deep amidst all of this clutter and pain, but it is there and it is real. and i want you to come with me and experience it, my beloved.

you are beautiful, in every aspect of the word, in a deeper meaning than you can comprehend right now. i watch you paint over my masterpiece, and i see you streak your face with tears of doubt. my child, i have chosen you. over and over again. why do you try to make better what i have already made new? your worth is determined by the work at Calvary, and nothing else. i long for you to sit at my feet and pour out the depths of your heart from alabaster; i cast no stone at your sin. you are forgiven, a thousand times over. i don’t even recollect what you are talking about.

i know you. i know the ups and downs of your life. but please do not fear; i’m not going anywhere. my grace extends far beyond your inconsistencies. i promise you that i love you. just as i created this whole world into existence, so did i create your soul. and oh, my child…it is good.

do not listen to the lies that say you weren’t worth the blood that was spilled for your soul. and never forget that even in your weakest moments — especially in your weakest moments — you are strong enough to stand in my love. i know you don’t understand my love but that’s okay; i will spend eternity showing it to you.

love,

Abba

 

how to [break] a girl.

December 10, 2011 in 20-something troubles, dating, lessons learned, my story, sex with 0 Comments

i’ve been in a “pull from the archives” mood recently, so please forgive the angst-y tone. i guess i used to be sad sometimes? :) i thank God for my brokenness, because it toiled the dirt long enough to ready my heart for all that He had planned on planting in me.

~~~

Meet a sweet girl, age 15. No more, no less. Any younger and she isn’t quite independent enough. Any older and you risk being the second one to damage her instead of the first. It is important to be the first. You will be the cruelest, your words will echo in her heart the longest, and your wound will sting the most. This is the only time love will feel like this. And this is the only time love will ever hurt this badly.

Write her a note. No, write her endless notes. Every other day, while in English class, craft the perfect letter on college-ruled notebook paper. Tell her you’ve been “thinking about you, babe!” and that you can’t wait to come to her soccer game.

Go to her soccer games – almost all of them. Afterward, make a joke about wanting to come say hi to her at “halftime”, pretending to be dumb and not know the game rules. Find out there really is a halftime in soccer. Give her “the look” when she laughs at your ignorance. Reel her in with that look.

When you ask her to be your girlfriend, be nervous. Nervous in the hand-sweat kind of way. Do it after the movie you go see on Friday night. No, screw waiting. Do it before the movie. And then hold her hand the entire way to the theatre. Worry about the sweat on your hands. Savor how small her fingers feel between yours. When she tells you that your hand is the first to hold hers, tell her you wouldn’t have it any other way. Tell her it’s the first AND the last. Promise her that.

Wait two months to kiss her. In high school, this is an appropriate amount of time. In later years, you will find out this is a lifetime. When you do kiss her, ask politely. She will later come to hate any boy who has to ask permission to put his lips on hers. But ask, and wait until she nods. And then put your hand on her face and kiss her like you’ve never meant anything more in your life.

After five more months, tell her you love her beneath a big tree at the park by your house. A month later, carve your initials in that tree and make her believe that this is symbolic of your long-lasting love for her. On your one-year anniversary, take her to a seafood restaurant, even though you hate seafood. Dress up, take pictures, act like a blubbering idiot, wonder how long until you stop acting like a blubbering idiot around her.

Month after month, let your feelings grow. Let your hormonally charged, didn’t-know-any-better feelings grow so deep you can’t function without her in the room. Act on these feelings all the time, letting impulse control the puppet-strings tied to your hands and feet. Say big things to her, so that she hears them. Throw caution to the wind. Make big promises. And when you have no words, let your body do the talking. Walk hand in hand down the road of innocence lost, and have no regrets. Mean it every time you touch her. Promise her forever.

Spend years doing life together. Finish high school and start college with the world at your fingertips. Embrace the feeling that nothing else in the world matters except this moment, this choice, and this girl. Convince her that you’ll grow old together, and reassure her that you are soul mates.

After those years, stop meaning it – any of it. Let the nightly routine become just that: a routine. Forget to tell her you love her, become indifferent about returning her calls. Tune her out when she says she feels like you are distancing yourself. When she cries, feel nothing. Let your eyes ice over. Tell her you think you two should take a step back in the physical part of your relationship because you need to focus on the important things like morals, and finding yourself. But still call her when you’re having a lonely night. Go farther than your newly set boundaries. Immediately after, convince her that it’s her fault, and don’t let her stay the night. Rinse and repeat this week after week. Begin to like the way she looks at you like a puppy that hasn’t been fed. Enjoy this newfound control, and wonder why you enjoy it. Love watching her beg to while you feel nothing, absolutely nothing, on the inside. Begin to wonder if you’re rotting away. Decide you don’t care.

Meet Someone New through mutual friends. Meet her with an open heart and a steady hand. Notice that she is a touch prettier, and fairly skinnier. As you get to know Someone New with no hesitation, learn that she is less messy than your girlfriend of four years. Listen to her stories closely, as interested boys always listen to pretty girls, and realize that she has a lot of morals, and a lot of strength. Find yourself thinking about her during the day. Catch yourself wanting to call her, waiting to hear from her.

Begin to pursue Someone New. Write her love songs, drive 19 hours to her house in another state, send her flowers. Tell her you’ve never felt this way before. About anyone. Even your girlfriend. Oh crap, your girlfriend. Spend every other night with her. Ignore your girlfriend when she asks what’s going on between you and Someone New. Is she the boss of you now? Who does she think she is, asking so much personal information? Doesn’t she know you’re entitled to your privacy?

Finally kiss Someone New. Travel into the world of infidelity. It is scary, it is thrilling. It is fun to have two girls at your beck and call. Shuffle them back and forth daily, and ignore the fact that you are exhausted. Spend your days falling in love with Someone New, and your nights scratching the itch that every man deserves to have scratched. Lie, lie, lie. Deflect, deflect, deflect. Control, control, control.

When your girlfriend discovers you with Someone New, take it like a man. Let all scrutiny roll off your back, and creatively convince her that this was her fault. Do not, under any circumstance, apologize. Act shrill, brassy, harsh. Do not back down. Make her feel stupid. Make her feel small.

When she tells you that she will forgive all of this if you just take her back, let down your guard, just for a moment. Remember the way her hair smells, and the way her skin on your favorite part of her stomach feels. Hear her laugh, even though she is currently crying. Remember, just for a moment, the tree – and all that it stood for. When she begs you to pick her, to choose her, to love her, do not budge. Do not make any sudden movements, for they might trick you into staying. Tell her that she is a mistake; that with her, you will continue to mess up. But with Someone New, you can start over, start fresh; you can be better with Someone New.

Pick Someone New.  Choose the life less risky, pick the predictable. Skip off into a world of new love and zero mistakes. Never answer any questions about why. Embrace asshole-type tendencies. Regret nothing. Be callous and dry, soulless and cruel.

If you do all of this successfully, then congratulations; you have broken her.