every time i sit down to tell this little corner of the world what it is i love the most, i feel like i’m saying what i’ve said a million times before. and then i second-guess my choice of words, and i think that maybe people only think of the way my words annoy them, or maybe they just don’t get it and move on to read the words of men and women more famous or profound than someone like me. i think i’m forgotten or ignored, which is the most painful feeling to feel.
every time i sit down to think about why i am where i am, my mind is flooded with the stories that all happened before this one. i think of the whining and complaining i did to get here, and i think about all the missteps i took, all the signs i read wrong, all the backtracking i did. and i think that people are judging me for the perfection i lack, when really i just feel like i wasn’t taught any better.
every time i sit down to plan what’s next for me, i am amazed at the dreams my heart can come up with. the feeling of “more” is so large in this room, it could drown me. and it makes me think of the stories i want to tell my kids and my neighbors and my brothers about my life. i think of the speech my best friends gave at my wedding, the one that mentioned how they saw in me a desire for more, for bigger, for better. and i think of how there’s nothing better than being known so thoroughly.
every time i sit down to take stock of what’s going on in my heart and my life and my world, i think of stories. i think of the student leaders who let me in our their journey of discovering who they are and who they’re meant to be in the world. i think of the 18 year olds who sit in my office and tell me about the Lifetime movies that have been their lives. i think of the women who sit on my couch and stain my shoulders with their tears because broken hearts hurt like nothing else. i think of the moments i get to be a part of, i think of the words i get to share, i think of the laughter and the late nights and the ice cream and the long walks and the brave steps. and i think of the friends who make me better, who love me anyway, who fear no evil when i’m scared shitless.
every time i sit down to rest, i exhale. because this is enough, i am enough.